“A birth certificate is not ‘proof’ of birth,” a senior official from the Union Ministry of Birth, Death and Rebirth told me last week. He added, “There’s a common misconception that a birth certificate, which contains your date and place of your birth and the names of your Papa and Mamma, constitutes conclusive proof that you have been born. But that is not necessarily true.”
Coming on the heels of the news that possessing an Indian passport is not proof of Indian citizenship (or the citizenship of any other country), this has left 1.48 billion Indians stunned, many of whom believe that their existence was preceded by their birth. Also, for many Indians, proof of birth is a crucial piece of evidence that helps build a case for Indian citizenship. Given the grave implications for every Indian, I convinced the official to clear the air in an exclusive interview.
Sir, before we begin, can I see some proof that you are an Indian citizen?
No, you may not. Citizenship proof is a requirement only for the citizens of India, not for the rulers of India.
If the birth certificate is not proof of birth, what use is it?
Just as your passport is a travel document and not a proof of your citizenship, your birth certificate is also a travel document and not a proof of your birth.
How is a birth certificate a travel document? I cannot use it to travel anywhere.
On the contrary, you have already used it — to travel from the afterlife to your current birth. It is also a travel document in a symbolic sense: it accompanies you in the journey of your life, from birth to death.
The birth certificate is a key document for claiming Indian citizenship. But for the longest time, India did not have a system of issuing mandatory birth certificates. How can someone who doesn’t have a birth certificate get one?
Excellent question, Mr Sampath. I’m so glad you asked me this. The government has a clearly defined process for anyone who doesn’t already possess a birth certificate. In fact, when the current regime came to power for the first time, it took a conscious decision to get rid of outdated Western colonial practices. We now follow a uniquely Indic process that stays true to our ancient traditions dating back millennia, to the era of Aryabhata, Chanakya, zero, and Mussolini. In fact, when Brahmagupta, the grand-uncle of Samudragupta…
We don’t have much time, sir. Please answer my question.
I was, and I am, answering your question. You are beginning to sound like an annoying, immature Norwegian journalist. Are you really a citizen of India? Anyway, coming to your stupid question, there is indeed a way for an Indian without a birth certificate to procure a fresh birth certificate, and that is by getting born again.
How can a person who is already born get born again?
If you were a bona fide Indian citizen, you wouldn’t be asking this question. You would be cognisant of the karmic cycle of births, deaths and rebirths, and would know that even if you are born without a birth certificate in one birth, it’s not a big deal — you can get it in your next birth.
What if, in my next birth, I am born in some other country?
Which country?
The U.S.A., for instance.
Then you have nothing to worry. If you are a true Indian, you will dedicate yourself to helping other Indians get American citizenship.
What if I am reborn in India only, but as a cockroach?
In that case, you can always join the Cockroach Janata Party.
Suppose I don’t have a birth certificate, don’t believe in rebirth, and don’t have a passport, but I was born to Indian parents, brought up in India, and have 30 years of income tax returns as evidence that my hard-earned money has gone into your salary and funded all 77 of your foreign trips. Surely, I’m entitled to some official acknowledgement of my Indian citizenship, don’t you think?
What do you mean you have a right? Citizenship of India is a privilege, not a right, and you have to earn it — by proving that you deserve it.
How do I do that?
By not asking questions, for starters. Secondly, you should be a born-again Indian.
How do I prove myself a born-again Indian?
You can’t. We will decide that for you, when we receive your application.
The author of this satire is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.
Published – June 30, 2026 06:00 am IST